If You Really Knew Me

There are Students We Never Forget

Many are the ones we struggled to reach the most. You know, the ones who came to class every day and gave you hell. They wouldn’t listen. They were defiant; they refused to do their work and did everything in their power to make our lives miserable.

I’ve dealt with many of these types of students, but there is one student who forever changed my approach. I will call this student Bobby, although that’s not his real name.

The Problem with Bobby

Bobby was that one student I often wished would just stay home. On the days Bobby wasn’t there, I taught without disruptions and the other students learned without distractions. In my mind, he came to school just to eat breakfast and lunch and spend the rest of his day causing trouble.

I would often say I loved all of my students, but the truth was I didn’t really love Bobby. He was a major problem. He disrespected me. He didn’t like my class and he didn’t like me. By October, I had given up trying to even teach Bobby. I spent most of my days trying to ignore him so I could teach the rest of my students, the ones who “wanted to learn.”

In January of this school year, one of my teammates, Ms. Shawn, introduced me to a program called Challenge Day. She had seen the program on Oprah. As soon as I watched it, I couldn’t wait to try it with my students. After I got approval from my principal, I asked my school counselor to help me organize a “Challenge Day” in my class. Already I had no idea what to expect, but what did happen, I never could have seen coming.

Challenge Day

Challenge Day engages students and teachers in a series of activities. One activity asks students to complete this sentence: “If you really knew me, you would know…” Many personal experiences surface in the group discussions, and students come to understand how they are all more alike than different.

I thought Bobby wouldn’t participate in Challenge Day at all, and if he did, he would try to sabotage it.

I Was Wrong

At first, Bobby was quiet, but after more of his peers gave insights into their lives, he eventually raised his hand to speak. I was shocked, for one because he raised his hand. But mostly by what he said next:

“If you really knew me, you would know that I miss my dad.

You would know that he’s in prison.

You would know he used to write me letters, but I haven’t heard from him in a long time.

You would know I don’t understand why he doesn’t love me anymore.

You would know I don’t see my mom much because she works a lot.

You would know I have to take care of my little brother when I get home from school.

You would know I don’t like school because I don’t like to read.

You would know I like football, and I wish my dad could see me play.”

My eyes welled up and my heart broke for this child. I never knew until that day that Bobby’s father was in prison. I finally began to understand why Bobby acted the way he did.

My Apology to Bobby

At the end of Challenge Day, students and teachers are given time to reflect. During this day, students often realize they may owe apologies to their classmates.

That day, the biggest apology owed was mine.

I had to apologize to Bobby for giving up on him. I had to take responsibility for not being the caring teacher he needed. He wasn’t ready to hear a lesson on the Civil War from me because he was fighting his own civil war at home. No one was giving him the love and care he needed, including me, the person who spent the most time with him during the day.

So I let my class know I needed to make an apology. I looked at Bobby and told him I was sorry that I had failed him as a teacher, that I hadn’t taken the time to understand him, love him, or help him. After those few words, our relationship changed forever.

Lessons from Challenge Day

I learned many lessons from this experience that have changed my perspective on teaching.

1. Many of our students are fighting battles we will never know. They won’t directly tell us “my mom has cancer”, “my dad is in jail”, “my brother abuses me”, or “I can’t read.” Five-year-olds might, but most middle and high school students simply put on a smile and try to hide their pain.
2. Knowing most of my students’ experiences at the beginning of the year would have improved my response to their individual needs. I would have approached Bobby with empathy and understanding instead of impatience.
3. Sometimes, as a teacher, you have to stop, apologize, and move forward. Doing better means forgiving students who have hurt you. We can all pretend that students don’t hurt our feelings, but if you really knew teachers, you would know:
   1. we put our time, heart, sweat, and tears into our lessons, so we take it personally when students don’t respond to them positively;
   2. our feelings do get hurt;
   3. we are human too; and
   4. we are fighting our own battles, which we sometimes take out on our students.

After Challenge Day, my relationship with Bobby changed because I changed. I began to show Bobby that I cared about him. We came up with a plan to find his father and reach out to him. And we found him; he was in a different prison. Bobby reconnected with his father. He started receiving letters again and even arranged a visit with him. And all because he opened up about his story.

 

Your Challenge Day

Is there a child in your class you’ve given up on?

Have your students complete this sentence: “If you really knew me, you would know…”

Take the time to find out what’s really going on in that child’s life. Practice the art of listening without giving advice or trying to fix their problems. You’ll be amazed what you’ll learn.

Start listening today and discover the power to completely transform your relationship with your students and change your classroom forever!